Tonight You Are My Guinea Pig

Tonight you are my guinea pig.

I’ll ask you out under the moonlight
Hold your hands in a lover’s touch
Grip your eyes till I see the depths of your soul
While I dance my tears inside.

I’ll start a line that will capture your attention.
I’ll watch your mind process the things I told you.
I will see the confusion, the glimpse of happiness
And fortunately, the doubt that will end in it.

I will then look away, feeling your eyes upon me.
Trying hard to see through me, to conquer my words
To decipher my endless meaning and wholeness.
You will try to hold my gaze, that I wouldn’t give away

Until I want to, until I’ve masked my own conclusion.
You will then get tired of catching my eyes
So that you will miss me meet your doubting,
Hurting, thoughful–hopeful gaze.

I will stare with the heart of my heart in it.
Satisfied that the test of fate
Responds in the nature of me.
Hopeful it would turn out the way I dreamt it to be.

Prayful that i wouldn’t hurt head first
Knowing I never touched anything, risked anything
Wanted anything that is beyond me.
I wouldn’t utter a single sound

Or make the slightest movement
I will dart my arrowlike gaze,
Summoning your inner attention
Until you look back at me and respond the things

I have no idea that floats inside all of you
Of which I was never prepared.
You looked at me saying you understand the risk
Saying you forgive the trick.

Until you hold me and say you’re gratified
–To my surprise.
That I would cry in your arms when you thanked me…
For choosing you amongst the top of my insanity
–Of which I am reluctant to give.

For wanting you, above the list of my primal needs.
For taking you, against my sheltered
Dislikes and preferred negativities
Scattered in every fiber of me.
My eyes would widen to fit the length of the sun

My knees would shaken to the beat of the earth
Everything will move in its places
Afloat its spaces, flow in its graces
Disconcertingly leaving me with my ados.

I looked at you with my heart in it and wish
The world otherwise when I told
Myself it was a lie.
Until things changed forms and sizes.

We are there baldly aware of the intent
Subjectivity of the soil beneath us.
When you look at me, I’ve reached my end,
I am without everything, stripped off

Of my second skin, naked before the
Thickened glass of my judgement
For I am but a figment of your imagination
A product of life’s intent game

I am but a guinea pig.

=-=-=-=-=

The above poem was done and posted from Friendster last 21Sept07 (2007!) inspired by a former 'prospect' (a way of putting it). More to follow.

P.S. Uhmm, nothing. More to follow. *grin*
*mlma

Forgetting to Remember

I can’t remember when I have started to forget. Maybe way back when I tried so hard to remember that it gave me the opposite of what I’m trying to accomplish.


When I was a kid, I was not so happy. What caused the unhappiness, I could no longer recall much. But I have been happy, that pretty lot I can remember so don’t get me wrong. You know what they say about unhappy childhood? ... If yes, good for you, tell me about it when you’ve got the time.

And then I was a teenager and I found out I was not contented. So I dragged my days and daydreamed myself away. I was that typical teenager you couldn’t tell apart from the rest. Although I was not the one without friends in that lifetime because I have them fine—for I’m good at keeping the best ones I chose, positive that I’m good for them too— I was also in that place where I’m there and not at the same time. Off to space, in short.


I was left in a trance of sleepwalking, stumbling with each of my unsettled past balancing them all with the factors of my present. I was caught in between of questioning and answering and puzzling and riddling and ending up confused—back in the state I have always been comfortable.

And now, I can’t remember all those I promised not to forget—because I didn’t really but then I did... It’s a bit tricky, but I’m sure you’re kinda getting my point here. So. Do you know what they say about forgetting? I sure do.


I wasn’t too sure though if I’d get the same poll of answers as yours but one I have is what I’ve proven and tested based on my own becomings.


Forgetting is a state of being healed. It’s our body’s way of coping, a defense mechanism. May it be selective, unconscious, subconscious or (let’s face it) a conscious act, in the long run, when you forget, you’ve made the oblivious act of making peace with whatever garbage you kept along the way.


And garbage is what it is. I was not all too fussy about the forgetting, I was more concerned—curious—of when and how did it happened. And so maybe I’ll never know and I can’t really say I’m not all that glad. ‘Course I am. Just maybe, it’s more of the despair of not being in on the secret.


Of knowing I have it with me for the longest time, always conscious of its effect on me. Always thought it’s humanly impossible to ignore it altogether. But then, just like that, it’s gone. It’s thrilling me just to wonder when and where have I dropped it and which exact instance did I simply forgot to look back.

But whatever right. It is something bigger than my forgetting and remembering and all else in between. And if it meant I’m not supposed to be in on the secret, then so be it. I can live with it. If I’m blessed with the art of forgetting, then I have nothing but thankfulness in me.


We are blessed, that much we shouldn’t forget.






5.00pm 31july10 mlma
(Photos courtesy of Google.com)

Coming Undone

So here's what happened today.

I woke up with a burning chest (dried coughs, effect of taking meds for colds) so I have to get up and forget the attempt for a longer sleep, it can be continued for later.

I took up the attempt to cook but it was taken from my hands. Not that I'm not thankful, mind you. I turned the music on tuned for a Sunday melody and decided to fulfill one of this year's To-Do list. So online I went and tried my bestest to create one. I pushed and shoved myself to finish it off and although it gave me a hard time (for some reason), I trust I've got one on the roll. *wink*

On the backgournd I was watching Legally Blonde and was side tracked to the point of losing my train of thoughts about what I planned to write.

Oh well, I'm marking this as my very first entry. Not much, but is still something to look back to. As I said to my friend, I'll make this work first and the rest will follow.

Now I'ma post this and see how it looks like.