Wala Na Ang Lagoon

Nagpunta ako sa aking alma mater sa bugso ng pangangailangan. Apat na taon din ang iginugol ko sa paaralang un at kung iisipin, hindi ko naman na talaga matandaan ang kahit na ano’ng itinuro nito sakin. Ang mas tumatak ay ang mga panahong inilagi ko sa mga sulok nito kasama na ang mga samu’t saring alaala na wala nang hihigit pa. At pagkatapos ng apat na taon pa ulit, heto ako para balikan ang isang katotohanang nabubuhay din sa ibang dimensyon. Dimensyong nabubuo sa tuwing may tatawa, may luluha o basta simpleng pag-alala lamang dito.

Iba ang pakiramdam na dumaan ulit sa Teresa. Hinanap ko ang mga computer shop na naging suki na kami nun. Yung comp shop na naumpog ako sa glass door kasi di ko alam na andun pala at nakaharang sa siga kong paglalakad. Hindi pala, understatement ang naumpog. Nabundol. ‘Yun ang totoong nangyari.

Nasa labas na agad ang isip ko kasunod na sana ang katawan ko kung di lang walang habas na bumangga ang sapatos, tuhod at noo ko sa sliding door. Malakas na kalabog ang dulot nito at masungit na paalalang pagdadahan dahan mula sa may-ari ng shop. Naroon ang tapat na pagtataka sa sakin kung ano’ng nangyari at munting pagkapahiya na agad napalitan ng katatawanan ng makita ko ang pigil na tawa ni Berna na kasunod ko.

Ganun pala ang nagagawa ng paglipad sa tao. Isip, katawan o kaluluwa man. Nawawalang saglit sa katinuan kasabay ng malabong detalye sa pangyayari. Siyang dating ng damdamin ng kasalukuyan saka malilimutan ang kaganapan ng paglipad na kala mo’y hindi naganap. Matagal hinangad na makalipad para lang itatwa ang katotohanan nito pagkatapos dahil hindi iyon ang eksperiyensyang gusto natin sana.

Ang bilihan ng burger na sarap na sarap ako dati, wala na. Sina Daddy at Kuya sa tabi ng riles at ang hilera pa ng mga squatters, wala na din. Pagpasok ko, ninamnam ko ang bawat hakbang. Dinama ko ang paligid at pilit inalala ang mga P.E. classes ko sa gym at sa paligid nun. Marami ng daan para makarating sa building na may apat na direksyon. Kolehiyo na ko nun pero hindi ko pa din maintindihan pano nila nasasabing kung alin sa building na yun ang North, South, West at East.

Kahit naguguluhan ako, hindi ko prinoblema un. Hindi sila umasang alam ko dahil simula pa lang tiyak na ko sa kung ano ang alam ko at hindi. Tinanggap nila ang katotohanang yun at namuhay kami sa harmonya na sasama ako sa direksyong pupuntahan nila at hindi ako tatanungin dahil totoong hindi ko maintindihan ang matematikang lumulukob dito.

Nilakad ko ang ground floor at ang apat na sulok nun at kahit na alam ko na kung alin ang alin, isang ikot sa kaliwa at isang ikot pa ulit ang nagawa ko bago ko mahanap ang kelangan kong puntahan. Apat na taon akong hindi nagbalik dun, at anim na taon mula ng magtapos ako. Madami na ding pagbabago at magaganda ang nakita ko. Kinailangan ko ding sabihin sa sarili kong hindi ko dapat asahang gaya pa din ito noon.

Hindi ko naman talaga dito ginugol ang buong apat na taon ko. Bahagi lang ito dahil may sarili kaming gusali para sa kurso ko. Hindi ko napuntahan pero dito pa lang ay busog na ang alaala ko. Tumikim ako ng shake at burger kung saan ang lasa ay pang-estudyante sa payak na kapaligiran. Bumili ng panali ng buhok bago pumasok at pamaypay panghanda sa init at inip na dapat asahan pero hindi dumating.

Napansin kong walang welga ng araw na ‘yon at isang banner lang ang nakita ko pero bukod dun ay malinis na ang mga dingding sa wing na ‘yon na ewan na kung ano na nga ba. Ang chapel na hindi ko na napuntahan ng malapitan at ang library na sa labas ko na lang tinanaw. 
 

Iniiwasan kong banggitin ngunit ito ang tema ng isinusulat ko. Hindi ko napuntahan ng malapitan ang chapel, hindi tumigil para silipin ang gym. Hindi pumasok sa library at makailang ulit pang umikot sa apat na sulok ng building sa pag-asang makita ang lagoon mula sa ibang anggulo o paraan ng pag-ikot at pagsipat dito.

Pero wala na nga ang lagoon. Napalitan ng malapalasyong tema ang batong pumaligid dito. Masukal at mahalamang tila gubat sa loob ang aking nakita sa munting silip na ginawa ko. Mula sa alaala kung babalikan ko, dapat na talagang repasuhin ang parteng yon. Madumi, maamoy, tambayan ng iba’t ibang sektor ng estudyante at pulitika ng kanilang buhay mag-aaral, walang dahilan para hayaan ang maduming paligid na dengue lang ang dulot pag nagkataon, kung di pa man nangyayari.

Pagpasok ko pa lang ay doon na nakatuon ang isip ko. Isang tingin at kailangan kong ibaling sa kaliwa’t kanan. Punahin ang mga punong halos wala na ngayon, luminga sa mga lugar na hindi ko naman malaman ang pinagkaiba noon sa ngayon. Isa at sampung higit pang sumubok bumaling at ibalik tingin ngunit walang pandaraya sa mata ko ng minutong iyon.



Sa lahat ng kaligayahang bigay sakin ng pagbabalik na ‘un, isang kalungkutan lang ang kailangan para ibalik ako sa lupa mula sa paglipad gawa ng mga maliligayang alaalang inangkin ko na. Kagaya ng mga nauna pa, hindi ako sigurado. Pero hindi ako kumbinsidong lumutang ako kahit saglit.



Ito ang pagbabago, naisip ko. Dawalang mukha sa isang bagay na sabay na nangyayari sa isang pagkakataon. Parehong nakatayo sa espasyong tanging ikaw lang ang makakapaglapat depende sa memoryang meron ka, depende sa pagbabagong ikaw lang ang makakapagbukod ng isa sa isa.



Lumakad ako palabas bitbit ang katotohanang ito. Hindi ito ang ekspirensyang gusto ko sana. Pero wala nga e.



Wala na ang lagoon.

Come Back

I'm not asking someone to come back.

I'm stating this act as a come back... :)

It's been almost a year since my last. Post, that is.

No commitments here. These are just the days I get to sit in front of the computer and have the wrenching urge to write. Yada. Yada. Yada.

Here goes nothin'. :))

Disco Ball

I coughed as if it's the last of my coughs


Policed,calculated, blunt

Shameless and free.



I sneezed as if I've never done so before

Repetitive, unthinking, hurtful

Uncontrollable like laughter.



I talked in the most guttural voice I could muster

Superlative, mechanic, superfluous

As if fresh out of sleep. Or tears.



And when I did, I've done some more.

It was a 2-minute film rolling and rolling.

Blinding and haunting and dreamy in a way.



And you woke up as if it was never your reality.

And you laughed and talked and made face like

It was beyond your eventual disbelief.



Or faith--or lack thereof.

So when you bawl, or stumble or see flashing

Lights from your own disco ball--



It was mine as it was yours.

But we don't know it as it is

We only do as how we wish.

(photo credits to Google.com)

Tonight You Are My Guinea Pig

Tonight you are my guinea pig.

I’ll ask you out under the moonlight
Hold your hands in a lover’s touch
Grip your eyes till I see the depths of your soul
While I dance my tears inside.

I’ll start a line that will capture your attention.
I’ll watch your mind process the things I told you.
I will see the confusion, the glimpse of happiness
And fortunately, the doubt that will end in it.

I will then look away, feeling your eyes upon me.
Trying hard to see through me, to conquer my words
To decipher my endless meaning and wholeness.
You will try to hold my gaze, that I wouldn’t give away

Until I want to, until I’ve masked my own conclusion.
You will then get tired of catching my eyes
So that you will miss me meet your doubting,
Hurting, thoughful–hopeful gaze.

I will stare with the heart of my heart in it.
Satisfied that the test of fate
Responds in the nature of me.
Hopeful it would turn out the way I dreamt it to be.

Prayful that i wouldn’t hurt head first
Knowing I never touched anything, risked anything
Wanted anything that is beyond me.
I wouldn’t utter a single sound

Or make the slightest movement
I will dart my arrowlike gaze,
Summoning your inner attention
Until you look back at me and respond the things

I have no idea that floats inside all of you
Of which I was never prepared.
You looked at me saying you understand the risk
Saying you forgive the trick.

Until you hold me and say you’re gratified
–To my surprise.
That I would cry in your arms when you thanked me…
For choosing you amongst the top of my insanity
–Of which I am reluctant to give.

For wanting you, above the list of my primal needs.
For taking you, against my sheltered
Dislikes and preferred negativities
Scattered in every fiber of me.
My eyes would widen to fit the length of the sun

My knees would shaken to the beat of the earth
Everything will move in its places
Afloat its spaces, flow in its graces
Disconcertingly leaving me with my ados.

I looked at you with my heart in it and wish
The world otherwise when I told
Myself it was a lie.
Until things changed forms and sizes.

We are there baldly aware of the intent
Subjectivity of the soil beneath us.
When you look at me, I’ve reached my end,
I am without everything, stripped off

Of my second skin, naked before the
Thickened glass of my judgement
For I am but a figment of your imagination
A product of life’s intent game

I am but a guinea pig.

=-=-=-=-=

The above poem was done and posted from Friendster last 21Sept07 (2007!) inspired by a former 'prospect' (a way of putting it). More to follow.

P.S. Uhmm, nothing. More to follow. *grin*
*mlma

Forgetting to Remember

I can’t remember when I have started to forget. Maybe way back when I tried so hard to remember that it gave me the opposite of what I’m trying to accomplish.


When I was a kid, I was not so happy. What caused the unhappiness, I could no longer recall much. But I have been happy, that pretty lot I can remember so don’t get me wrong. You know what they say about unhappy childhood? ... If yes, good for you, tell me about it when you’ve got the time.

And then I was a teenager and I found out I was not contented. So I dragged my days and daydreamed myself away. I was that typical teenager you couldn’t tell apart from the rest. Although I was not the one without friends in that lifetime because I have them fine—for I’m good at keeping the best ones I chose, positive that I’m good for them too— I was also in that place where I’m there and not at the same time. Off to space, in short.


I was left in a trance of sleepwalking, stumbling with each of my unsettled past balancing them all with the factors of my present. I was caught in between of questioning and answering and puzzling and riddling and ending up confused—back in the state I have always been comfortable.

And now, I can’t remember all those I promised not to forget—because I didn’t really but then I did... It’s a bit tricky, but I’m sure you’re kinda getting my point here. So. Do you know what they say about forgetting? I sure do.


I wasn’t too sure though if I’d get the same poll of answers as yours but one I have is what I’ve proven and tested based on my own becomings.


Forgetting is a state of being healed. It’s our body’s way of coping, a defense mechanism. May it be selective, unconscious, subconscious or (let’s face it) a conscious act, in the long run, when you forget, you’ve made the oblivious act of making peace with whatever garbage you kept along the way.


And garbage is what it is. I was not all too fussy about the forgetting, I was more concerned—curious—of when and how did it happened. And so maybe I’ll never know and I can’t really say I’m not all that glad. ‘Course I am. Just maybe, it’s more of the despair of not being in on the secret.


Of knowing I have it with me for the longest time, always conscious of its effect on me. Always thought it’s humanly impossible to ignore it altogether. But then, just like that, it’s gone. It’s thrilling me just to wonder when and where have I dropped it and which exact instance did I simply forgot to look back.

But whatever right. It is something bigger than my forgetting and remembering and all else in between. And if it meant I’m not supposed to be in on the secret, then so be it. I can live with it. If I’m blessed with the art of forgetting, then I have nothing but thankfulness in me.


We are blessed, that much we shouldn’t forget.






5.00pm 31july10 mlma
(Photos courtesy of Google.com)

Coming Undone

So here's what happened today.

I woke up with a burning chest (dried coughs, effect of taking meds for colds) so I have to get up and forget the attempt for a longer sleep, it can be continued for later.

I took up the attempt to cook but it was taken from my hands. Not that I'm not thankful, mind you. I turned the music on tuned for a Sunday melody and decided to fulfill one of this year's To-Do list. So online I went and tried my bestest to create one. I pushed and shoved myself to finish it off and although it gave me a hard time (for some reason), I trust I've got one on the roll. *wink*

On the backgournd I was watching Legally Blonde and was side tracked to the point of losing my train of thoughts about what I planned to write.

Oh well, I'm marking this as my very first entry. Not much, but is still something to look back to. As I said to my friend, I'll make this work first and the rest will follow.

Now I'ma post this and see how it looks like.